Albertans are sure kicking up their heels in Washington these days. The province's Premier, King Ralph, has been giving free advice to Vice-President Dick Cheney, the continent's visionary energy planner. King Ralph even encouraged Cheney this week to visit Saudi Alberta. Cheney, a regular hydrocarbon guy, would probably love it.
Everyone speaks English here, drives a big truck and owns an unregistered gun. Our schools may leak like hell when it rains but, let's face it, King Ralph has been too busy promoting energy exports to bother with those kinds of details.
Anyway, Cheney would appreciate our dedication to U.S. energy security.
Right now, Saudi Alberta supplies the United States with 12 per cent of its oil and, thanks to the oil sands, we'll soon be filling up 20 per cent of the U.S. gas tank. The United States gets half of its natural gas from Saudi Alberta, too. So we're booming; you can't even rent a porta-potty, things are so crazy. Cheney just might want to bring one along when he treks up here.
The big deal, of course, is the oil sands. More oil than Saudi Arabia they say. A few negative types claim it is the most expensive oil on the planet and costs about $78,000 per barrel in infrastructure to produce, but Saudi Alberta doesn't have much time for naysayers.
Everything is positive here. We believe you can build $125-billion worth of oil sands projects all at once without labour shortages, wage inflation, air pollution and housing shortages. Honest.
Unlike snotty folk in the Middle East or Venezuela, Saudi Alberta believes the United States has a right to cheap oil. Hell, we only charge a 1-per-cent royalty on the oil sands. No kidding. And we don't mind, either. We just make up the difference with revenue from casinos and video lottery terminals. That's right. We make more money from gambling than we do from selling oil-sands black gold. It was King Ralph's idea: Smart, isn't it?
Saudi Alberta offers other advantages, too. We don't care much for rules or policies. Rules can get in the way of hydrocarbon production, and policies, well, they simply fetter style, innovation and guesswork. That's why we don't really bother with cumulative impact studies or environmental assessments. To save time and trouble, we even cut our environmental department by 40 per cent.
Colorado may post the compliance record of bad oil companies on the Internet, but Saudi Alberta doesn't need transparency. All of our companies are good companies, anyway. And unlike Wyoming, Cheney's well-drilled home, we don't even insist on reclamation bonds for cleaning up after all the wells run dry.
Right now, we have $10-billion worth of unreclaimed wells, pipelines and gas plants, and we've only set aside $20-million for the cleanup. Even Nigeria doesn't plan that confidently.
Now, the oil sands are a pretty spectacular sight. The mines and toxic ponds are so big you can see them from the moon. In order to keep Cheney happy, Saudi Alberta promises to destroy a forest the size of Maryland and Virginia combined. Don't worry, though. We'll replace all the trees and wetlands with tailing ponds and salt-tolerant shrubs and stuff. It's all sustainable. We'll even warn birds not to land on the poisonous ponds with propane-powered guns that go pop-pop. Cheney will like that.
The debate about climate change is overblown. There is nothing more natural than carbon -- and Saudi Alberta supports a natural lifestyle. By 2030, we will be making as much carbon as all the world's volcanoes. How much more natural can you get?
Cheney will appreciate the fact Saudi Alberta doesn't get stuck up on heritage either. We drill in our parks and wilderness areas indiscriminately. Who has got time for all that green nonsense about native grasslands and scenic landscapes? We actually think the Canadian West will look a lot better after its been carpet-bombed like Wyoming's Green River Basin, where the U.S. Bureau of Land Management has proudly planted one gas well every five acres. Saudi Alberta supports that kind of harmonization.
So, come and visit us soon. The hydrocarbon party won't last forever and we already have 10,000 guys living in tents in Fort McMurray. (It's best to call ahead and make a reservation.) Bring along any friends who are pipe-fitters and welders and help support the Alberta idea that you can drill and mine everything at once. You might also want to pack a half-million dollars for a deposit on a home or a rinky-dink trailer. Acid-rain resistant clothes and a first-aid kit (the hospitals are full of foreigners) might be a good idea, too.
And don't forget that porta-potty.
God bless Saudi Alberta.